Saturday, 7 February 2015

LETTER TO MY 40-YEAR-OLD-SELF

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Dear me, here are some things I wish I knew when I was the age I am now. Hope they help:

Christmas Trees aren't just for Christmas...
Nor are Christmas decorations. I know you were planning on leaving them up until February 2nd because of something you saw on QI, but why take them down even now? If anything it's actually more Wintery now than at Christmas. That tree will die. Keep it all up for ever.

Don't let what you like now make you forget what you liked ten years ago...
There's this great new channel called "London Live" which recreates pretty much around the clock exactly what it was like watching television after midnight back when you first stopped living with your parents. They've got "Black Books" and "Smack the Pony" and a documentary about a chip shop. It's brilliant.

One day you'll find yourself asking to speak to the manager of your local Sainsbury's...
And you'll be right to want to speak to him. They've stopped doing milk bags. The bottled milk costs nine pence more. You bought a jug from Sainsbury's specifically for the milk bags. Putting milk bags into the jug is fun and it's good for the environment. They can't just stop selling milk bags because nobody's buying them. They should have marketed them better. It's crazy nobody's buying milk bags. 

Contactless Payment...
I know! It's absolutely crazy: Lose your card and literally anyone can use it to get anything. And they say "Don't keep it in your wallet," but what do they think wallets are for? Why even make them card-shaped if you're not supposed to keep them together, why not just have a cluster of little payment dolls you hang round your neck? And the local Sainsbury's doesn't even use it! They should actually, it would be a lot quicker.

Jill...
That sound engineer's name is Jill. You've known her for ten years now. Jill.

Netflix is like HMV...
Remember how you never used to be able to pass an HMV without popping in and wandering the DVD aisles for anything up to an hour, staring at the same titles over and over again within your own very narrow range of interests, never choosing anything or even really meaning to choose anything, just checking for incremental changes in the selection? You can still do that now. At home! At 4am!

It's getting cold...
You probably shouldn't stay up just because you're curious to see how cold the flat can get. You should probably go to bed at the same time as your girlfriend. The one with the job. Go to bed.

Try wearing a hoodie...
You've gone forty years without every trying on a hoodie. Go on. You might as well try your girlfriend's on. There. See how much younger you look? Green suits you. Why don't you have any green clothes? You're a redhead. Put the coat on over it. There! Now you're a superhero in hiding!

Stop talking to yourself...
Or don't.
Remember it's your life to life any way you want, within rapidly shrinking financial constraints. Be well x

3 comments:

  1. Belated happy birthday! I turned 39 in February, a lot of these things are applicable to me too. A great read. Love and kisses, Luci Hyde

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  2. Well remembered, Simon! I trained as a sound engineer in the late '90s. Off to water my Christmas tree. Bye for now.

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