Here's the sun. It's nice to feel lucky, and this film makes me feel
very lucky indeed. Imagine not seeing this. Imagine if I lived in, say,
the nineteenth century. I'm no expert, but those bursts of flame must be
bigger than the Earth. Imagine that. I'd have missed seeing flames
bigger than the Earth. I know that contemplating the Vastness of Space is
supposed to be depressing because it makes you feel small and
unimportant, but I actually find feeling small and unimportant a
tremendous relief. And I'm sure I'm not alone - you know, religion etc.
So thanks, NASA. If I've one quibble with their original montage (posted below) it's with the slightly numbing "bigness" of the accompanying music, so three minutes in I switched it off and looked for something else to accompany these mighty spumes. "Street Spirit" by Radiohead was simply the first thing I tried - it was the same length and Radiohead just goes with things -
but I love what resulted, which is what I've posted up top. That's the sun, that is. Look at it getting down! (I'm off to use my newfound
editing skills to stick the opening theme of Knightmare over
Koyaanisqatsi touch up my showreel.)
Dear me, here are some things I wish I knew when I was the age I am now. Hope they help:
Christmas Trees aren't just for Christmas...
Christmas decorations. I know you were planning on leaving them up until
February 2nd because of something you saw on QI, but why take them down
even now? If anything it's actually more Wintery now than at Christmas. That tree will die. Keep it all up for ever.
Don't let what you like now make you forget what you liked ten years ago...
this great new channel called "London Live" which recreates
around the clock exactly what it was like watching television
after midnight back when you first stopped living with your
parents. They've got "Black Books" and "Smack the Pony" and a documentary
about a chip shop. It's brilliant.
One day you'll find yourself asking to speak to the manager of your local Sainsbury's...
you'll be right to want to speak to him. They've stopped doing milk
bags. The bottled milk costs nine pence more. You bought a jug from
Sainsbury's specifically for the milk bags. Putting milk bags
jug is fun and it's good for the environment. They can't just stop
selling milk bags because nobody's buying them. They should have
marketed them better. It's crazy
nobody's buying milk bags.
I know! It's absolutely crazy: Lose your card and literally anyone can use it to get anything.
And they say "Don't keep it in your wallet," but what do they think
wallets are for? Why even make them card-shaped if you're not supposed
to keep them
together, why not just have a cluster of little payment dolls you hang round
your neck? And the local Sainsbury's doesn't even use it! They should
actually, it would be a lot quicker.
That sound engineer's name is Jill. You've known her for ten years now. Jill.
Netflix is like HMV...
Remember how you
never used to be able to pass an HMV without popping in and wandering
the DVD aisles for anything up to an hour,
staring at the same titles over and over again within your own very
narrow range of interests, never choosing anything or even really
meaning to choose anything, just checking for incremental changes in the
selection? You can still do that now. At home! At 4am!
It's getting cold...
You probably shouldn't stay
up just because you're curious to see how cold the flat can get. You should probably go to bed at the same time as your
girlfriend. The one with the job. Go to bed.
Try wearing a hoodie...
You've gone forty years without
every trying on a hoodie. Go on. You might as well try your girlfriend's
on. There. See how much younger you look? Green suits you. Why don't
you have any green clothes? You're a redhead. Put the coat on over it.
There! Now you're a superhero in hiding!
Stop talking to yourself...
Remember it's your life to life any way you want, within rapidly shrinking financial constraints. Be well x
1. "To be... To be? Ay... to be. Or not to be." A line from -
a) All's Good As Far As It Goes
b) Hamlet the Fifth
c) Any Which Way But Loose
2. The Globe Theatre is so called because -
a) Shaekspere's plays were originally performed on a globe.
b) Globe is Latin for "Weirdly-shaped".
c) It's named after the Globe Theatre.
3. Shaekspere's what is buried beneath Aldwych station?
4. How many ghosts are there in "Julius Pacman"?
c) Trick question. One.
5. Which of these words did Shaekspere NOT invent?
6. In the "Seven Ages of Man" sort of speech thing, which age does Jacques leave out?
a) The terrible twos
b) 16 to 24
c) The zombie
7. "Henry IX" was never performed in Shaekespere's lifetime because -
a) They forgot.
b) They lost the head.
c) Henry IX had not been born yet.
8. "Et tu, Brute? Kudos. Muchos Kudos." Who is Brute, and what has he/she done now?
a) Nintendio's servant - obtained the potion.
b) Nintendio's dog - spilled the potion.
c) Nintendio's dog - eaten the potion.
9. "Though not with bag and baggage/ Yet with scrip and scrippage" is funny because -
a) baggage means fanny
b) scrippage means fanny
c) I mean, really, it's just the one line, plough on.
10. Which of these Shaekspere plays has NOT been turned into a musical?
a) The Git of Pisa
b) Measure IV Measure: Even Measurer
"STEPHEN! WELCOME TO HEAVEN."
"Bone cancer in children? What's that about?"
"AH! GOOD QUESTION -"
"How dare you!"
"NO, I HAVE AN ANSWER -"
"How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault -"
"WELL, IF YOU'D JUST LISTEN -"
"It's not right. It's utterly -"
"NO, I'M GOD. I HAVE AN ANSWER. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF ME."
"Utterly evil! Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God -"
"Who creates a world which is so full injustice and pain?"
"BUT NO, THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT IN THE END -"
"You're quite clearly a maniac."
"OH RIGHT, BUT ZEUS IS NORMAL!"
"An utter maniac. Totally selfish."
"OKAY, SO: BONE CANCER IN CHILDREN -"
"We have to spend our life on our knees thanking you?!"
"NOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
"What kind of god would do that?"
"BUT... BUT REGULATED PERIODS OF SUBMISSION ARE FUN!"
"Yes the world is very splendid -"
"WELL THANK YOU."
"But it also has in it insects whose whole life cycle is to burrow into the eyes of children and make them blind -"
"WAIT, THEY WHAT?!"
"They eat outwards from the eyes -"
"OH NO WAIT, YEAH. I REMEMBER THEM."
"Why? Why did you do that to us?"
"OKAY, SO THIS IS LIKE THE BONE CANCER QUESTION. WELL, THE REASON IS -"
"You could easily have made a creation in which that didn't exist." "WHOAH! HAHA! OKAY, STEPHEN, A LITTLE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH HERE - HA!"
"It's simply not acceptable."
"OH YOU'RE - YOU'RE GRADING ME NOW? BECAUSE - OH, HE'S GONE... PHEW, TO BE HONEST I WAS ACTUALLY BRICKING IT HE WAS GOING TO ASK ME -"
"Oh also, why do you hate gays?"
For the record: I've been an atheist since I was about eight. That means I don't believe in a god. And with respect to Stephen Fry (and Scroobius Pip) that's all it means. It doesn't mean I hate God, nor that I believe people who believe in God are automatically psychopath-worshipping morons. Even if their kid does have bone cancer.